Wow..

Wow..well that says alot in itself. The reader is not sure what the exclamation is for but the writer has more in store for the reader. Today it means what would my life be like if it turned out the way I thought it would 24 years ago this coming December. I would have delivered my first child. Yeah, there it is in a nutshell. I like to think it was a red headed boy named Tommy. Yep, Tommy would be 24 in December if he made it past the 4th month. How one event can change the path of your life forever. I miss Tommy not for the reasons you might think. I miss being a mother. I have been a wife and I am pretty good at that. I have no children so I can not call myself a mother. I have nothing to base it on. I don't regret anything. Losing Tommy was part of God's plan for me. Too bad it has taken me 24 years to know that and understand it. I was not meant to be anyone's mother. I was meant to be exactly what I am right now...and that is simply Marlo. I will always be someone's aunt, sister, daughter or friend but not someone's mother which at this day and age is alright with me. Don't get me wrong every year I figure out their ages and think of who they might have been. 24, 23, 19 and 17 years old respectively. I still am so shocked by their ages every year. Wow...my life is still wonderful without them but just every once in awhile I let my mind wander to what might have been...I don't want to still be with my first husband, their father and believe if we had had all 4 of them we would probably still be together struggling as usual. Times would be happy but it is not the path we were meant to be on. I am meant to be exactly where I am and he where he is. My life has gone on in spite of the pain. I didn't wallow to long down there in that emotion. You grieve and you move on. Life keeps going. You stop for a minute to feel it and let yourself live in those moments and you remember but you have got to get back up and face life head on. I never could quite come up with names for the others in my mind. There is no funeral for miscarriages. There is only the memories of what might of been. Wow...what a ride the last 24 years have been. I wouldn't trade a thing. I would rather have been a mother for a few months 4 times in my life than not to have ever been one.