Day by Day

I decided to write in my journal today during my lunch hour. I have a little bit on my mind so I figured it couldn't hurt to blog. I think it has finally hit me now that I have MS. It was sort of like a dream or a surreal thing. It has been surreal for a while now. I am ok with having this disease. I wouldn't have chose it but everyone has some kind of burden to bear. I keep thinking of my mother and her courage during her breast cancer surgeries and treatment. Sure, she had her days but she went finally for the chemo and radiation. Radiation was an every day thing for her for over 6 weeks. I can not imagine how she must have felt so I go on. If she could do that I can do this.
Two very dear friends told me today that they didn't know how I did this day and day out. They both said they were not so sure they could do it. I for one think they could. They are also very strong women. I told both of them that I just take it day by day. Sometimes, I have good and sometimes I have bad. One thing I didn't add to my conversations with them was at least I have days...the alternative would be to curl and not take treatment and end it all. That ain't going to happen for sure.
This journey has taught me some pretty good examples of people. I have been shunned by people who have never would have shunned me before. Imagine here you are in need of comfort etc and the people you expect to be there for you are not. I can't tell you how much that breaks my heart. On the other side I have reconnected with many old friends because of this disease and made some new ones. It is so true you don't realize these things about these people until they are tested. You were there for them why couldn't they be there for you.
Sometimes, my disease is very lonely. I find myself shying away from people because of it. I mean after being burned a few times now since I alerted people in person and via Facebook, the people who criticized me for it aren't very supportive either. I just wanted people to know the real story from me not from someone else. I also was very candid and said I didn't care if they told anyone. For some reason everyone else in my life cared about that more than me. Who does it hurt if they know? Not me. I wanted people to know, I was not going to be any different because of it. I was still going to be the same straight forward Marlo I have always been. I just never realized how many people wouldn't be there for me. No emails, no messages, no phone calls...just dead silence from some regardless who they were. Others who knew me 30 plus years ago were so supportive..yes I mean my high school classmates, who have been wonderful. Some I started kindergarten with have bent over backwards to comfort me and support me. I love you guys. Plus all my new friends who support me as well. Not to mention the whole MS community who have done nothing but support me, teach me and be that shoulder when I needed it.
Then there is Jeff. My wonderful husband, who helps me more than he realizes every day. I am not sure where I would be if he was not in my life. Thank goodness, I had the good sense to pick myself up the last time my heart was broken and jump back in again. Jeff is truly the best thing that ever happened to me. I have a wonderful life with him and I feel so blessed.