Trying to get back to posting....

I haven't posted to this blog in weeks. I had intended to keep it updated every day..yeah right! I am truly at a time in my life where I am at a loss of words. I am always the one with words in any situation. I find good in everything and always find and point out that silver lining. I have always believed everything will be alright...no matter what that was my life motto from childhood to adulthood. Everything may not be great but it does get better and will be alright. When one of my parents was sick or hospitalized when we were younger, it was like horrible but Jr. and I always knew it would be alright. We knew we always had each other no matter what happened to mama or daddy. For the first time in my life, I can't say that about myself. I want to believe it as I sit here typing this tonight but I am scared. I can't bring myself to be there for friends that truly need "Marlo" right now because of my own pain and problems. I have always been the problem solver. I have found I avoid conversations or phone call or even texts. Close friends seem so far away anymore. I just can't pick up and say oh it is ok and I am alright to anyone right now. I am the scaredest I have ever been in my life. Friday as I left work I had hit the wall of overwhelming doubt that follows me each day. I kept it together than cried in front of my boss. I hate to cry. I wish I didn't. I just want this to be a bad dream. I knew 20 something years ago that doctor was right and this day would come. I am glad it took this long to get this bad. I wish MS was not in my vocabulary or in my body but it is. The sharp pains and numbness overwhelm me. Sometimes I can't even walk. I remember the feelings or lack of feelings I had in my body in the resort room in Florida in October before I collapsed. I remember saying to Jeff, please tell my daddy I love him and my brother and the kids that I love them and uttering the words either of us never thought either of us ever would..."Sweetie, I am going and if I don't come back I love you and it has been wonderful..." then I was out. Those words still haunt me. I felt my brain and body going but I also felt this damn mad mean streak flow through my body. I felt a nudge from someone who pushed me to wake back up and when I did I was as mean and angry as an old wet hen or one Martha Chandler...I said words that would make a sailor blush. I hate how mean I was but I channeled my inner Mama as Jeff would say and she got me through. I can remember laying on that bed in the ER being stuck non stop and not feeling it at all. My body was a jigsaw puzzle of pieces that I could and couldn't feel. I felt like I had no presence in the world. There was no me...I felt like a stick figure on a flat blank piece of paper who had no arms and couldn't walk. i had lost it all. I remember in the ambulance as they closed the doors looking out of my swollen squinty eyes thinking I thought I had more time. I didn't think it would hit me this soon...how the hell...did I get here. What did I do? Where did the time go? Maybe I should have, would have, could have....not on your life did I think I would have regrets...I walked away from deep loves of my life and never regretted one minute of time or loss...Marlo never regrets anything. I am strong...I am a Chandler...I don't give up. We are not made to. They raised me to do it no matter how awful I felt or how much it hurt. So somewhere between the ER and the room they assigned me upstairs in the hospital, I found her again. When the attending neurologist said can you walk...I not only said yes...I said hell fucking yes I can. Jeff scolded me...sweetie...he said. I just gave him the look...my vocabulary got cleaner as the week wore on. I never said I shared a room with a young mother and her baby. Her husband stayed with her every night. they were there for the first 4 days of my incaceration...They were deaf and could not speak as well. He snored and the baby never cried. We sat listening to doctors and social workers try to communicate with them. People came in and out of our room and no one even posted anythign saying they couldn't hear so visitors or others who didn't know would. On her last day we realized why she was there. She had had the baby and was not well. She was in there because she could possibly have heart failure. I all of a sudden didn't feel so sorry for myself. How scary that must have been. so as I remember their scared faces and hear their frustration of not being understood, I see my life isn't so bad. I will take the good with the bad and remember who I am and feel blessed to have the strength I inherited and earned over the years. EVERY thing does happen for a reason and one day I will know why my mother passed a week after my husband returned from Iraq and what lesson in life I am really trying to learn here and why it feels so lonely out here in MS land....love to all my peeps and family...thank you for loving me.